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Sep. 8th, 2005 @ 07:01 pm Here we go again...
Current Mindset: flirty
Current Tunes: Gin and Juice - DeVante
SO what happens when something feels SO right when you're together but so wrong when youre apart? I REALLY like this guy, but can't get it outta my head that something else I don't know about is going on. I got asked yesterday what we were, if we were dating, or seeing each other, or what, it felt akward, like a title is really needed for something. I'm trying to give it time, but that's not REALLY easy to give it time and stay protecting myself. And then there is the thought that I'm just being overprotective. I think I'm just overanalyzing.

Last night I got wasted with my roommates and made some money from some drunk fool at the Pub. He kept putting down $$ to buy me and Alison drinks and I kept just taking the money. It was great :) Made me feel good about myself again, which was good.

Going to Junction, Skippers, Cats Eye, Pigskin at least tonight. I think Sunday I'm putting in my 2 weeks at pigskin, although I duno what I'll do with my time without the Piggy on the weeekends. I wish I could say seeing someone special, but my interest is busy.. sucks. I guess I get used to it or I leave it. Who knows. I haven't decided until a few more things play out.
The lowdown
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Aug. 25th, 2005 @ 06:00 pm oh jumblebeans
Current Mindset: okay
Current Tunes: here in my room- incubus
So I finally gathered the balls and did it. Ended the best relationship I've ever had (no joke), due to forming a WONDERFUL friendship, just not a so-hot relationship. 8 months into the game and its over. I just don't know how to feel, what to do, or say. I guess I'll just end that I've finally discovered GENUINE love, and even if it wasn't my match it was a hell of a ride. Thanks



"Here In My Room"

This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
Now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Here in my room, here in my room

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world as seen from the stars
If only the lights would dim a little
I'm weary of eyes upon my scars

Pink tractor beam into your incision
Head spinning as free as dervishs' whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl
That kind of girl
The lowdown
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Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 08:43 pm 2 wks
Current Mindset: chipper
Current Tunes: Fuel
Athens is minus 2 wks now. I need to get back there, I need to get wasted. This diet thing, not so good. Davis wants me back to the Piggy by the 22nd, and I have to be at CNS starting the 21st. Not to mention starting the Kroger thing for displays for the region. Still wishing I could go back to rugby. Wishing, wanting, maybe by fall. Does this mean I can't wear all my clothes that have rugby stuff on them anymore? I have so many of them. erg.

Sam, Greg, and Steve joined me at Dave and Busters this weekend. After about $60 each we left, tipsy and joyous, I even got a little teddy bear from Sam. He's such a cutie, Sam that is. Greg was wasted and flirting too much with me, that was the only bad tip from the night, oh well.

I'm talking to some stranger froshie from cbus whom I dont know. Have no idea why I'm talkin to this guy, other than, I wish I was a froshie again. So many things you don't have to think about then. Okay, maybe going into soph year was the best. lol. Oh well. Until later, im out :)
The lowdown
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Jul. 31st, 2005 @ 08:35 pm No title here!
Current Mindset: rejected
Current Tunes: ceilling fan circling overhead
So had my 21st yesterday, finally. Suppose that was a good thing, but for some reason I'm not to happy. My dad and grandfather forgot. They just plum forgot. The people I am working hardest to make part of my life and my world, like that, didn't think about me, I guess now it seems kinda spoiled and bitchy that I'm whining about it, but it really hurt.

KT came down after dropping off Jason at the airport so he could be in Chicago for the weekend, that was nice. Duno if she meant to spend so much time with me, but it was fun regardless. Friday night I went to Lazy Cameleon with Sam, KT, and Alley, it was nice. Saturday was mud volleyball, KT started to get heat exhaustion, so we had to leave before the tourney part of the day came (which was okay, I was burnt Purple... not good). Our team made it to the Semi-Finals, we were proud :) Came home and took a nap, showered forever, had a breakdown of being sad about my tummy, and eventually went out. Ya know, a decent amount of people I expected to show, didn't, I guess true feelings show. Again I feel like abrat for saying that. We did a round of Cherry bombs, but then everyone kidna stuck by who they knew. I ended up spending more money than I thought I shoulda for being my bday (once agian, spoiled brat feeling) and wasnt really feeling too drunk at all that night. We came back to the hosue around 1230, again, sucked.
Sam got me a necklace, even had them customize it, it is very pretty, unfortunately they scuffed part of it, so we gotta send it back to be fixed.

I guess I just needed to bitch. I know lots of people love me and they did wish me lots of bday wishes, but at the same time, I felt dissed by a certain few and it killed alot of the mood. I thought 21s were supposed to be getting wasted, friends buying lots of shots, and a good time with a pukefest .... guess I was gypped or just maybe wrong.

So I'm sitting here with Skin Posioning, debating wither or not to let myself start crying again or slap myself for being pitiful, just wondering. Wondering about it all, why this summer seems to suck so bad, wither or not I should leave the bar in the fall, wondering what this is all about and how many people that once graduation commences I will never hear from again. I guess that goes with the second thing on my mind.... Rugby.

I miss rugby so much. I miss the carefreeness, the girls, the weekends, the feeling of being belonged, and occasionally, looked up to. I am tempted to go play on Scioto womens for a few weeks with Ashley, knowing I probably won't. I don't think they are what I long for, what I miss. But if rugby is not me who is? The girls played in Canton this weekend, I almost wish I would have gone. But if I would have gone, then not returned to the team in the fall, I would feel horrid. Lord knows above alll else I've helped the team financially enough (or gotten them enough funding for they jerseys in the past 2 years, just to quit before I can really use them). I duno if I'm scared to rejoin them cuz my grandfather has forbidden it, saying it's time to grow up, or not. I feel like i've disapointed the veterans, and the rookies. I really miss them. Over 2 months I lost the largest social network I've ever had. I just don't feel a part of them, especially not anymore. Not after what went on "after" or what didn't, what people say. The lack of communication with most of the girls show me that a lot of us really arent too great of friends, I can't blame them for something I have done to myself as well, but it is a two-way street. Maybe in my head I think if I go back, I am finally 21, fuck me, I need to shut up. Christi, Christine, and Judy, sorry, I am totally typing what my sleepy brain is telling me to, in no way attempting to belittle the team. I have too many what-ifs. I suck at life. I'm shutting up.

Peace out, maybe we'll get lucky and I wont be a depressing mopey ass on my next entry
The lowdown
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Jun. 4th, 2005 @ 05:26 pm aren't I cool

Amanda Rose Dudding's Aliases



Your movie star name: Smores Dan

Your fashion designer name is Amanda Paris

Your socialite name is Kat Athens

Your fly girl / guy name is A Dud

Your detective name is Tiger Hoover

Your barfly name is Ice Cream Red Headed Slut

Your soap opera name is Rose Mann

Your rock star name is Snickers Sam

Your star wars name is Amashe Dudsam

Your punk rock band name is The Hot Dildo


The lowdown
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Apr. 30th, 2005 @ 11:23 pm oh dear....
Current Mindset: contemplative
Current Tunes: TV on some stupid show sams watching
SO i have an interview... a interview for a great company in a great location... in Des Moines. I'm pretty mixed about this. They want an in person interview. I have not spent the night in DSM in almost 5 years and I was a pretty awful person when I left. My world has changed and so has DSM, I don't even know if I could handle being there. Then, there is Sam. I've never been more happy or more in love, anyone who sees us knows this. Leaving him 1500 miles + behind would be like an evil memory of Gib all over again. I guess I can just go with it and call my DSM friends and family friends as well as talk it over with my mom, my dad, and my cousin.

Pros:
being back in dsm
close to my entire family
within 5 hrs of my little brothers and my dad
old friends

Cons:
sam
mom, dog, sheeba
dsm has changed, i may be an outcast...

Oh dear. And Ashley Lyons, plz give any input you may have.
The lowdown
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Apr. 29th, 2005 @ 01:30 pm Down
Current Mindset: cranky
Current Tunes: mariah carey- sweetheart
The rain is wet and the conditions are cold and gross.... kinda like my mindset right now. I'm goign to make this a complainy bitchy entry, I'm sorry, in advance

As of just the other day I IMed Cristi and told her I was done for the season. My stupid boss keeps scheduling me on saturdays at 5pm so I cant go to away games. Its so I get the day part off so I can play he says, its a problem that will be fixed... in 2 weeks. Ya know 2 weeks, when millfest, palmerfest, highfest, etc start... so I'll be working doubles ANYWAY cuz we will be busy. Fuck that shit. Too bad I need my job right now. I guess it hurts even more that I havent heard from the girls and I miss them, and that I wasted 75 bucks on going to 1 beers for 2 hrs with Sam and playing in ONE rugby game. Along with the 70 bucks for my new jersey... Fuck me.

Medical bill total: $728 after insurance. Thank you Brian Shaffer.

Internship search SUCKS. I keep getting told I have the best resume people have seen, and I'm fully invovled on campus, so WHY don't I have an F-ING internship by now!!!???!! Oh wait, it's cuz I have a 2.94 and that "isn't good enough", I guess being technically inclined and knowing what I'm doign isnt enough in todays shitty society.

In a combination of everythign, life is shitty. I guess I have finances on the mind, which brings me to the next point... my scholarship got cut in HALF for next year.... FUCK FUCK FUCk... i really need a beer.. ya know, when I can afford one...
The lowdown
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Apr. 16th, 2005 @ 06:47 pm I love me
Current Mindset: tipsy
Current Tunes: sam laughing at me... douche
Played rugby for part of the day today = awesome... even tho I was in at the second half and was as tired as the girls who played the entire game. I saw soooo much improvement in certain rookies... I'm so proud of them.

Have done some hanging with the team this week, been pretty good overall. My lungs are stronger ... YAY! This new doc kicks ass. Now if I could just get my mom to accept a job and not be a bum without one.

Sam is super. I love him like I love pickles....hmmmmmmmm Pickles........
The lowdown
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Apr. 9th, 2005 @ 08:58 am No title here!
Current Mindset: cranky
Current Tunes: U2- Yaweh
I'm so confused. Do I even know how or what I feel? What is a feeling, how do you define it. Everyone leaves, that cant be love. Why is this so hard for me to grasp? Maybe I duno what I feel, maybe I used to think I felt something pretty genuine and now I duno, I'm questioning. He's a great guy, he's sweet, caring, attractive, .... but am I looking for more? Is there more? what am I doing to waste this? Why? There are so many questions in my head. Maybe I just think I'll keep caring then he'll turn into Brian and make me hate myself and my existance. That is not his personality, but I didn't ever think in the beginning that it was really Brian's either.

Last night, Keg Party I (followed by Keg Party II toinght), it was okay. First we had issues having people, then Sam and I fought all night so I wasn't here when people GOT here. Then we finally return to the party to find my roommates ALL missing, the house was taken over. Lastly two people I consider good friends/aquantanices had a friend try to steal something from me. THEY KNEW he had stolen it. It was my fault for leaving it in the freezer, but, they are supposed to be my friend too, so that was really wrong. I don't know if I would like them here tonight or I will turn them away. One friend of mine in that posse however, didn't or claimed not to know, and seemed embarrased when I confronted the jerk. The rest where just like "You got CAUGHT?" Mickey and Brian (from work), yea that hurt. Dave, I'm praying you didn't know. It's more cuz then knew about it that I was and am so upset, major bummer. So after everyone leaves (ya know after I regain the hosue and steal the tap from tonights keg that Mickey took the liberty of tapping, my roommates are still gone... around 130ish I hear them return... Cassie if fucking GONE! I ask her where they were and after she shut the door on me the first time, I get her to talk again just to say that she was here the entire time.... BULLSHIT. I'm a little ticked at them... WTF. So... $175 later.... my life is way worse than it was to begin with... Some Celebration...

...I'm goign to go fuck myself some more...
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Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 06:02 am No title here!
Current Tunes: the garbage truck outside
So yesterdays practice running wise, consisted of touch and a tiny tiny bit of jog sprint. Woke up a 1/2 hr ago (530a), with bricks on the chest. No one is more frustrated than I. I think instead of practice I'm going to take Sam with me and bridge run as far as I can. These lungs need strength and they dont have SHIT... this sucks
The lowdown
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Apr. 5th, 2005 @ 03:41 pm Rugby
Current Mindset: nervous with a killer migrane
Current Tunes: Coolio- Ugly Bitches
In 10 minutes I'm goign to make my first trip to the field in more than 4 months. It may be werid that I'm freaking so much about going to a stupid patch of worn grass/dried mud, but it's something I've gone to almost daily since I came to OU 2 1/2 years ago. I'm kinda hoping my lungs are stronger than I thought. I just came back from a run down franklin to the AAA store up State then back to my house.... which was most suckily followed by inhaler puffs. What has happened to me? Why me? Why!!!!!!???? I loved just being the fat fuck and having that be the only hurt I had running... that I just am not a runner, but even that would be a dream at this point. A dream I wish could come true.

So here I am. Going to practice super early cuz it's the only way to pump up my nerves and get me going. I know there's a 80% chance I've lost my starting A side spot on the team for the season, but I want that down. I love propping, I love rugby. I just hope this works out.

Wish me luck.
The lowdown
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Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 08:50 pm April Tidings
Current Mindset: In love
Current Tunes: halo 2 on my xbox
Well, been a bit, don't really give the time for this thing anymore.

My lungs are getting better, and stronger. I need to start working them out before I can feel like myself again, or partially worthy of playing rugby. Speaking of, honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing about that situation. If you have any input plz IM me. I love the team I love the girls, but there are a certain few who seem to always make me feel like shit, and I'm down enough about being so fucked up sick I don't care to take the time to face them. Does that mean with everything else I need to take a quarter off? I really don't know. I've never had a quarter in Athens to just do nothing. And I work Thursday during prac and can only go an hr Weds anyway... erg... I so don't know. Especially cuz more than anything I want to be an officer at the least next year and I believe I've earned it and since it is offical I am staying till June 06 it would make sense.

Sam is more wonderful than ever... minus when I went ape shit last week and thru his stuff literally out... he was being a butthead tho so he partially deserved it. I am more in love with him than ever and between him and school and work I have my hands pretty full.

So ... I'm taking a Nap (even tho its 9pm and no class tomorrow)... night night :)
The lowdown
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Mar. 20th, 2005 @ 07:26 pm 3 months later
Current Mindset: annoyed that I'm so sick
Current Tunes: Notta... got a migrane
SO here is the beginning of break... attempted to come home and work at kohls for 4 days. I left early fri to go to a doctor and today cuz I nearly fainted and my inhaler wasnt cutting it. Saturday I just didn't go. Completely outta the ordinary for me. Conclusion: At the least I'm having asthuma (for the first time in my life), i'm dependent on my inhaler and there is a possible heart murmur that goes with it. Unless miricles happen, sadly, I will miss at least the beginning of rugby season :( . Right now i just want to make it thru spring break tho. I wish my chest stop hurting, I wish I could run, I could work out, I could... shop. I hate being this weak. I want to thank those close to me for all their support though, you guys are the best.

Spent the night with Sam friday, it was a wonderful treat.

Jen and I made up, even better treat.

To quote my mom's best friend "Amanda looks so happy and at ease with sam, they seem perfect"

I'm happy abotu those few things at least

Jen's boyfriend (well now ex i guess), moves to Utah in the early AM, poor jen. I love you girl.


Tomorrow, shopping with sam (if i can), another doctors appt, xrays, haircut. Kinda good kinda bad i guess.

I just hope sam and I can go to snowshoe tuesday and I can still go to Colorado thursday... pray for me.

Good note, got another interview for an IT firm... in Dublin/Hilliard area... yayteam!


This not breathing shit sucks. It's kicked out my sex life, my rugby life, my work life, and my going out life... fuck you lungs
The lowdown
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Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 01:10 pm just by coincidence
Current Mindset: studying
Current Tunes: Nickelback - Do this anymore
Would anyone want to bang you? by phobia
Name:
Favorite Food:
Wants to Bang you:
This many times:210
Quiz created with MemeGen!


yum.
The lowdown
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Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:03 pm Where are you Spring Break?
Current Mindset: sleepy
Current Tunes: some old school TLC song
I've decided:
A. Where the fucking hell is spring break?
B. I want to try to stay the full year next yr so I can run for officer positions in rugby and tsma
C. I'm goign to kick Jeff Orr's ass if he doesnt do his work for this last project
D. Errrrrrr
E. Hope the trip to Jen's goes okay
F. No one better get in my face this wkend
G. next week will be another sucky wk but finals wont be too bad

Erg. I should go out and waste myself this wkend, but I would rather sleep. So im going to go waste myself... and write a 10 pg paper along with a presentation. FUCK FUCK FUCK. no fun.
The lowdown
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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 08:59 pm hehehe
Current Tunes: watching sex and the city... oh lala
boys are cute when they get you flowers...



I love my baby :)


last wkend we looked cute



Love is so much fun :) :)
The lowdown
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Feb. 28th, 2005 @ 05:27 pm omgosh 2 months
Current Mindset: chipper
Current Tunes: Story of the Year - Until the Day I die
Wow okay I'm retarded. As of tomorrow it'll be 2 months that Sam and I have claimed to dating, it seems like so much longer than that, maybe it's cuz it kinda was... off and on...

Last night = Lam's Garden Chinese food with Sam, Kt and J. Yum. Stupid fucking cramps. Ruined the food, company was awesome. Toured Walmart for unneeded things, which stole over 70 bucks outta my wallet.

New pasttime, scrapbooking. I'm dating a photo guy, this shit should go hand and hand.

Jen and I are trying to resolve things, make things better, but it's going to take time and a lot of effort. I hope it works out.

Bitter people who try to trash your name = retarded
Fun people who you go with to steal 13 milk cartons in the middle of the night = hot

I gotta go plug away on this stupid project, no fun

I'm not looking forward to the first part of spring break, I have to go home to keep my job there and to celebrate my mom's bday. 4 days. 4 WHOLE days up there. Wow unless I find an internship or a pure reason to stay in Athens this summer this summer could be REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY fucking long. I don't want to graduate. I don't want to leave... next year...
The lowdown
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Feb. 25th, 2005 @ 03:33 pm I really dont get it?
Current Mindset: sad
Current Tunes: notta
So it sounds like the bestest and I may be headed towards total meltdown, why you ask? Cuz we've let boys get between us. I am happy for her and her boyfriend, he has rubbed me the wrong way a few times, and I will be super protective over her, I always have been. I do want her to be happy, but if she asks my opinion I will give it. I miss her, I miss our friendship, I hate what has happened to us. Yea, maybe I did start it when I would ignore her for Brian, when I didn't see her as much. I was so damned afraid if I left for a wkend he would cheat on me I was scared to leave, and then there was rugby season, I can't do to much about that. Xmas break I saw her when I was around. Now we both have new men, and I am beginning to feel he cares for me like I care for him. Maybe that's input going thru her ear, maybe not. I just know it is stupid that we are angry with each other. Extremely stupid. Am I losing my best friend? She says I'm never around cuz of Sam, but even when I'm with him I'll answer my IMs and my calls, I'll call her. That is a lot more than I feel I get. I just called her to see if we could talk tonight, shes busy, so she said she'd call tomorrrow, well, Im goign to meet Sam's mom and sister tomorrow and then working 5 hrs and I'm sure she'll be busy after 9 so I'm busy, so I got a "I'll talk to you whenver then." wtf? so now SHES allowed to be busy tonight, and I'm not allowed to be busy tomorrow? I feel like this is going nowhere I just needed to vent.
Was planning a trip to Cincy Spring Break, maybe that'll be cancelled now too. erg I give up

Guess I'll give her the space she needs, and then see if she'll come back to me. Fights with Best friends are the worst esp when you've never really fought before :(
The lowdown
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Feb. 20th, 2005 @ 02:22 am Falling behind...
Current Mindset: awake
Current Tunes: mya- all i ever wanted
Been a long few weeks. I've been edgy lately, prolly cuz I've been sick so much. In our 1 1/2 mo of dating I've given him a nasty cold and now a horrible drought of the flu. Last night we were literally outside walking to my car about to take him to the ER. I felt so bad. Especially cuz I'm trying to take care of him when I'm still not over it myself, oops. SO in short, I've been puking for 2 wks straight... since the night of Mardi Gras... been WONDERFUL... not... but as always... good company :) I've been falling pretty far behind in classes tho, haven't been in BUSL in two weeks now... no good :(

I'm really begining to miss the girls on the team. So many of them are either goign to be gone this spring or graduating this spring and it has me worried and saddened. I'm hoping that I get to party with them more this spring since my old weight preventing me from going out is lifted. I'm really eager to get out there and play in the mud. I looked at the schedule this spring and saw all womens teams, which was werid, no college teams at all, I'm sure Christi has something up her sleeve, it just seemed werid.

Sam has talked in "sam" language in his sleep so far tonight 2x. Once for about a min, and the second time he actually started a conversation with me, fully asleep, and im still not sure what he said, I need to teach him "sleepy english", this sam-language is fully uncomprehendable. ---edit--- okay 3 times... only know it turned into english-ish... something about darcy and pictures like that? photographers are werid... I love em regardless :)

I'm still waiting for that keggar party that I'm goign to have. Yea, someday, When it's not rainy or yucky and my roommates arent being retarded. Somenight I'm just goign to bring over the rugby kegs and trash the house.. lol...
The lowdown
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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 03:57 am Happy Post Vday :)
Current Mindset: loved
Current Tunes: Sam talking to himself in his sleep (hehe)
So bad things first, I've been having nightmares for about a week, everynight, and it is definately making me exhasted. I have them about everything, nightmares about Sam, exs, chopping peoples heads off, falling off cliffs, it really sucks.

SO last weekend, WAS EXCELLENT!!!!!! Went to parties with Sam after I got stuck at work almost 2 hrs longer than I was supposed to, BUT.... had a party of a billion in the bar waiting for me (roommates, emily, her bf, kt and j, sam), these people waited 2-3 hrs, was sooo sweet. Alley's Bday=fun. Sam has pics of me dancing on a table??? Yea, better get erased :). Saturday we went to Cbus for the day (without meeting Jen up .... sad), for food and shopping. Had Olive Garden in Lancaster, then went to Easton (buckle, EB games --yay new xbox games, Victoria's secret), super yay! Also saw Hitch, VERY cute movie. Lastly, we made each other build a bears, a green one and a shaggy brownhaired one... so soft and fluffy :) Tried to get into the Melting Pot for supper before we left but it was too late before we could get in (darn), we'll have to plan that for another day :)

And then Last night----- about 2 wks ago I came up with this fantabulous plan.... I have a house, so let's cook. Sam talked one night about his mom's lasagana, so I took my verison of a recipe, along with scallopped potatoes, cherry cheesecake, ceasar salad, and garlic bread (which garlic clove spread --thanks kerri-- was the BEST ever!), and then got kt into it (which added food by candlelight, no roommates, good wine selection, and assistance cooking -- best 3 1/2 hrs of cooking ever!), and made the dinner for Sam AND Jason. The boys LOVED IT, and lasanga from scratch wasn't too bad.... 2 pts for kt and me :). Sam and I got back here and I got him some more chocolates (okay toooo much food to eat them at this point), a dorky lil card and a shirt. This of course was followed by me passing striaght out by 10:30... oops.

The past month has been Great. I was shaky on my choices at first, but it was sooo worth it. I found a guy that's just as willing to be sweet and dorky with me and I am him. We have our doubts at times, but it makes falling more fun. Wouldn't trade him for the world. Classes have been alright too. The internship search is on and I've found myself unwanting to graduate even tho it's looking like next fall again, and wanting to stay close for my internship. Only time will tell.

Schedule next yr = sweetness
coms 215 mw 10-12
fin 310 wf 12-2
comt 444 mw 2-4
rugby mtwth 4-6
mis 220 mw 6:30-8:30

work hopefully at least 10-4 t/th then a weekend shift

Only one more elective major class and they are done :(... when did I get so old??? okay no more bitttttttttchin......gotta read 56 pages for my SA quiz at 10 (i love to procrastinate)
The lowdown
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