| Jul. 31st, 2005 @ 08:35 pm No title here! |
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Current Mindset:  rejected
Current Tunes: ceilling fan circling overhead
So had my 21st yesterday, finally. Suppose that was a good thing, but for some reason I'm not to happy. My dad and grandfather forgot. They just plum forgot. The people I am working hardest to make part of my life and my world, like that, didn't think about me, I guess now it seems kinda spoiled and bitchy that I'm whining about it, but it really hurt.
KT came down after dropping off Jason at the airport so he could be in Chicago for the weekend, that was nice. Duno if she meant to spend so much time with me, but it was fun regardless. Friday night I went to Lazy Cameleon with Sam, KT, and Alley, it was nice. Saturday was mud volleyball, KT started to get heat exhaustion, so we had to leave before the tourney part of the day came (which was okay, I was burnt Purple... not good). Our team made it to the Semi-Finals, we were proud :) Came home and took a nap, showered forever, had a breakdown of being sad about my tummy, and eventually went out. Ya know, a decent amount of people I expected to show, didn't, I guess true feelings show. Again I feel like abrat for saying that. We did a round of Cherry bombs, but then everyone kidna stuck by who they knew. I ended up spending more money than I thought I shoulda for being my bday (once agian, spoiled brat feeling) and wasnt really feeling too drunk at all that night. We came back to the hosue around 1230, again, sucked. Sam got me a necklace, even had them customize it, it is very pretty, unfortunately they scuffed part of it, so we gotta send it back to be fixed.
I guess I just needed to bitch. I know lots of people love me and they did wish me lots of bday wishes, but at the same time, I felt dissed by a certain few and it killed alot of the mood. I thought 21s were supposed to be getting wasted, friends buying lots of shots, and a good time with a pukefest .... guess I was gypped or just maybe wrong.
So I'm sitting here with Skin Posioning, debating wither or not to let myself start crying again or slap myself for being pitiful, just wondering. Wondering about it all, why this summer seems to suck so bad, wither or not I should leave the bar in the fall, wondering what this is all about and how many people that once graduation commences I will never hear from again. I guess that goes with the second thing on my mind.... Rugby.
I miss rugby so much. I miss the carefreeness, the girls, the weekends, the feeling of being belonged, and occasionally, looked up to. I am tempted to go play on Scioto womens for a few weeks with Ashley, knowing I probably won't. I don't think they are what I long for, what I miss. But if rugby is not me who is? The girls played in Canton this weekend, I almost wish I would have gone. But if I would have gone, then not returned to the team in the fall, I would feel horrid. Lord knows above alll else I've helped the team financially enough (or gotten them enough funding for they jerseys in the past 2 years, just to quit before I can really use them). I duno if I'm scared to rejoin them cuz my grandfather has forbidden it, saying it's time to grow up, or not. I feel like i've disapointed the veterans, and the rookies. I really miss them. Over 2 months I lost the largest social network I've ever had. I just don't feel a part of them, especially not anymore. Not after what went on "after" or what didn't, what people say. The lack of communication with most of the girls show me that a lot of us really arent too great of friends, I can't blame them for something I have done to myself as well, but it is a two-way street. Maybe in my head I think if I go back, I am finally 21, fuck me, I need to shut up. Christi, Christine, and Judy, sorry, I am totally typing what my sleepy brain is telling me to, in no way attempting to belittle the team. I have too many what-ifs. I suck at life. I'm shutting up.
Peace out, maybe we'll get lucky and I wont be a depressing mopey ass on my next entry |
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